On Learning About Parallel Play

In the evenings, when I’m curled up on the couch, a cat on my one side my partner on the other, it’s quiet in our home. You can hear me typing away at my computer, writing for some project I have in the works, or playing Sims 4. You can also hear my partner sketching or playing video games. It’s a comfortable and cozy kinda night.

One that I often find I need after a week of work.

Now, my current job isn’t that demanding of me; it’s fairly paced in regard to stress and work/life balance. But I’m still an introvert, and even when I enjoy the company I get to keep, I still get worn out from a week of socialization. So it’s built into my routine that the weekends are a time for rest and creative work, the sort of thing that I can do in silence or with a podcast/music/audiobook. More often than not, I tend to put on a “write with me” Pomodoro timer-styled YouTube video as company while I do my thing.

But especially on Sunday evenings, when my household is full of tired working folks who’ve just completed or are about to start a new week, the apartment is almost dead silent. 

And it feels good to sit like that.

In everyday life, there is so much noise around us: the cars racing down the road, people’s footsteps and wandering conversation, your pet’s bark or meow. It’s a lot to take in day in and day out. For folks such as myself, sensory things like sound can become distressing at times. I feel more panicky when in a crowded, noisy place, but earplugs can help minimize the damage. 

I’ve figured out solutions to many of the sensory challenges I run into—these quiet evenings are one of them.

“Parallel play as an adult involves sharing the same space with your partner while you pursue your own activity of interest, just as children play side-by-side, without necessarily interacting. This habit diminishes the need for constant communication or interaction while still spending quality time together. Rather than feeling the pressure to always be “on” for each other, you can simply enjoy being in the same room or even on a video call, each doing your own thing and still feeling connected.”

— Forbes, 3 Ways That ‘Parallel Play’ Benefits Your Love Life—By A Psychologist

Sitting side by side on the couch, comfortable, warm and in our own worlds, is a sort of intimacy I cherish. It means I can feel safe and relaxed with you in one of my more vulnerable states—when my guard is down, and I’m not concerned with masking or trying to fit the correct expectations. It feels good. It lets me feel close to those I love without draining my social battery into oblivion; if anything, it helps me recharge a bit.

I’m not envious of the extrovert who needs people and needs excitement and stimulus. It sounds like it makes for an exciting life, but I’m just not that type of person. If anything, I probably drift into the territory of ambivert from time to time, but I find I always default back to being my introverted self. 

Silence is a long acquaintance of mine and a good friend.

Finding other friends and a significant other who respects that need for silence is a blessing. Because I do want to spend time and be around you, I really do, but I also know that I need this downtime; otherwise, there will be trouble for me going into the new week. 

When I’m socially worn out, I know I’m not fun to be around. My ability to take part in small talk is significantly reduced, I struggle to stay awake, and I can be sharp and grumpy—I’m basically verging into mess territory. But this isn’t inevitable, or so I have learned in my grown adult age. 

Self-care is indeed a real thing.

You need to pay attention to your body and needs.

It’s not impossible; you just need planning and pacing.

Trust yourself more often, and if something feels off, it’s probably off.

While I have some small plans and goals I’d like to achieve, I’m still figuring a lot of things out. Learning about parallel play and understanding how my social battery fluctuates has been a big deal for me; it’s made a lot of things click, if you know what I mean. 

Pushing myself to write often and regularly has been another thing I’m still working the kinks through. But I feel like I’m on to something.